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smile4meplease

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i'm lame. but i miss him. [23 Jan 2007|09:01pm]
i miss benny p so much. i saw him for the 2nd time since he went in today. he looks good. i miss himmmmmmmmmm. ugh its too long.
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[11 Jan 2007|01:43am]
i've decided...well, i decided it along time ago, that this 2 month winter break is dumb. it may be great for some people, but being here a week or more earlier than everyone else, then leaving a month to one week later than everyone else isn't something i'm jumping for joy about. i'm ready to head back to good ol' udel. i'm going to have my room most likely to myself once i get back for the rest of the semester since my amazing roommate decided to be cool and bounce. whatev...she needs to be happy. i'm gonna miss her tho. at least i have my suitemate maya who, together, we have agreed on being roommates next year. hopefully in the towers (apartment style living). being back in connecticut has not been the greatest, but not the worst thing ever...but definitely lower on the scale. i realized there's very few people i'm really going to keep in contact throughout college, maybe life...and even possibly just until next year. i have (almost) made the decision to live in delaware for the summer. get a job. and have my house to myself. my mom supports it and would rather me be down there, because i have a plan, and i will know people down there, and because of simple fact of how much connecticut and i don't agree with eachother. i think it'll be good for me. i hope it will be at least. supposedly this philosophy online course is supposed to be good for me, but who knows. i'm hoping to do well. its totally different taking a class online...i'm not sure if i like it all that much. whatev, i'll pass, get 3 credits, and be that much closer to fulfilling my requirements. the holidays were different. good i suppose, but different. traditions are no longer in tact and my whole family is going through so many changes that it's impossible for anything to remain remotely the same. i'm included in that. i went to florida for the past several days with my cousin ben to visit my grandparents. it was a good trip...not a typical teenager's trip to florida. but it was worth it to spend some time with my grandparents and being in warmer weather. of course the first day that i'm back here, it snows for the first time basically. ridiculous. i went with ben to visit ben pask today in prison. that was rough for me. but it was good seeing him. i think i'm going to make a plan to go every week to see him until i go back. maybe twice one week. he's a good friend...more like family, and i never in my life thought i'd be visiting him in jail, let alone anyone i know. my life is crazy...i know everyone's got their own things but life is just hitting me in the face over these weeks of vacation. opening my eyes to what really matters, to people in my life, and to where i want and need to be. i'm changing again...no doubt. just when i thought i was set in who i was, the winds change. but that's normal i guess. change is the most constant part of life...
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[20 Nov 2006|04:06am]
i just got back from a random car ride with mufu and chardy.

i can't sleep.
that ride was really random.
all they did was smoke a black.
theyre cool guys though.

i'm excited and im not about going home for this week. it'll be good i guess.

i'm starting to really love it down here.

oh i need to learn how to fall asleep.
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[10 Sep 2006|09:15pm]
i dont have a clue where i fit right now.

and thats the honest truth.
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[04 Sep 2006|09:39pm]
so i have been at school for over a week now. for labor day weekend i came down to the house in DE with my mom. it was good. i got to see fireworks and just hang out. but i can't lie. i missed being at school like crazy.
school is everything i hoped for and more. i count my blessings that i got into UD. it was my dream school and has been since i was a little girl. now im there and i still cant believe it. my mom said to me this weekend that she has not seen me this happy in years. the truth is that i haven't been this happy. i got lucky with my classes this semester. i have 2 intro courses, sociology and criminal justice, which means just tests notes and reading...no essays or projects. thats the same for my music appreciation course. im not totally psyched about that class but the teacher is energetic and we get to listen to music in class...so i guess i really cant complain. my english class is going to be great. my teacher is a pistol. she is so blunt its amazing. she started off basically saying that we are the only english class that wont do a research project because "research projects are bullshit. and they waste time." thats a quote directly from her. she made us return an expensive book and told us to go and get a pizza on her. i have 4 writing assignments for that class...so all in all im lucky. then i have the lovely french class monday through thursday. originally it was supposed to be every single day but nope. they cancelled every friday class. i love that. but i hate the class. sound did nothing for me as far as language goes. they only speak french in class. i had to talk to my teacher and TA and explain my situation to them, but it looks like it'll work out...maybe ill have to do some extra work or go meet with my teachers outside of class, but all i need is a C and i'm set. i'll be done with my language requirement and never have to speak french ever again.
im living in a year old dorm. i share a bathroom with 2 girls and my roommate. and i love not having to walk down the hall in a towel or having to share a bathroom with a billion people. i have to say i got very lucky with my roommate situation. my sweetmates are great too. we all get along and we've gotten pretty close. my floor is full of great people...mostly girls. which is different for me. ive never had alot of friends that were girls. its giving me a new experience which is nice. my first night was good. i went to 2 parties. i got insanely wasted on thursday. i was a mess and that was the day i vowed to not go out on school nights. friday night was good. went to a white party with a bunch of kids from GRN. we celebrated brian's birthday. what sucks was seeing how dirty we were the next morning. ugh. we fell in mud. and i guess brian and i got in a mud fight. and now our shirts are permanently dirty. whatever good times.
im having a good time. and im so happy to be back. everyone welcomed me back with smiles and i was happy to see everyone too. i just see that i have a whole bunch of reading to do so with about 12 hours until class starts, i should probably get on that. oh well. thats it.
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[26 Aug 2006|06:29am]
goodbye connecticut.

off to college now.
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yay! [10 Aug 2006|06:28pm]
here we go.

housing.
brand new dorms. big. spacious. beautiful. making me really happy. its kinda far away from the classroom buildings...but its totally worth it!

roommate.
finally found her. i talked to her on instant messenger. she seems cool. not worried at all about it.

im ready to go.

im here at my house in delaware...but i kinda wish i was home. some crazy things have happened in the past few days and in ways i feel like i should be back in connecticut. people who watch the news might have seen about a girl who died falling off a cliff. well, i knew her and was friends with her. it sucks, cause ashley really was a sweet girl...crazy...but sweet. just last week she was telling me how she didnt want me to go to college and how she was gonna miss me. i miss her. it was weird being at danielle's last night without her there to make her quirky comments or her loud mouth in general. it won't be the same with her gone.
i also had to say goodbye to seth and anthony yesterday. i'm gonna miss those two like crazy. they're my boys. i love them. i cried when i was saying goodbye to ant. he's such a sweetheart. and seth. he's seth. and i love him for being seth. i really hope i see these two during the school year. i really do. i've already made plans with seth for our pirate party at his waterfront estate. and im super psyched. i'm gonna miss not showing up at 8 AM on the first day of school in the parking lot at sound school to hear the almighty mr.pynn make the same speech he's made every year on the first day. i'm gonna miss seeing people every day.

i'm coming home on sunday for the oar and jack's mannequin concert with katiee. and i'm excited about it.

i want to go home.
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[08 Aug 2006|09:53am]
i still don't know who my roommate is.
and worse.
i still don't know where i'm going to be living once august 26th rolls around.


yay for UD?
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[01 Aug 2006|09:06am]
i leave in twenty six days.


i'm starting to get a little scared.
excited. but definitely scared.
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[22 Jul 2006|03:32pm]
i don't even think i can begin to tell you how much i wish i was going to school this very instant.

i'm just so ready.
i'm sure that the few days before i leave i'll get that weird feeling in my stomach of being scared/nervous/excited. but now, i'm just ready to go. i'm done with connecticut and most everything it has here. once i'm gone, i'm not sure how much i'll really come back. i hope i like school. so very much. it's something i need...it's the change i've been looking for.

summer is summer...it's just like the past few summers but this one probably takes the cake on shittiest summer. i'm not going away anywhere. i've been down to my house in delaware ONCE. which sucks because i see my family going down and i just want to get away. i'm working and i don't particularly like it. i almost quit this week. for real for real. but me being the person i am, i'll feel like i didnt finish what i start. it's nothing about the people it's my feelings of having to meet up with my responsibilities. i'm leaving in a month and 4 days. and it's not coming quick enough.

madison is getting boring. i saw katiee, mike, and ambler. it was good times...but other than that, i have not seen a single soul from school. really haven't heard from anyone either. it kinda sucks...when you know there's stuff going on and you're left out in the dust. but this i guess is my fault too because i haven't done a great job of it myself. everyone just lives so much closer to eachother and i'm on the other side of the state. this is how it's been every summer though...i guess i just figured i'd see people before we all went off to college...but it's like we're coming to that point of just not seeing eachother ever again. shit happens, people come and go, life moves on. the end. right?

i'm ready.
that's it.
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[16 Jul 2006|08:17am]
i have no even written in this thing since a week before i graduated.
so here's the update.
-graduation day: it was good. at rehearsal, i cried and had to sit on seth's lap. i cried at graduation too. i know it's definitely the last time i will ever see some people again, which sucks...but i guess that's how it goes. i got a flat tire driving home at like 4 in the morning that next morning...that sucked.
-orientation: it just made me want to go to school that much more. i'm ready. and by now, i feel it's the only thing that will save me from this place.
-working: eh. i work. because i need money. it's not the worst place...but i wish i could work somewhere and meet new people...but it's summer time, i work at the beach and get paid to sit on by butt for 8.50. i really can't complain. it's just drama, ya know.
-delaware: i've been down once really this summer...and i want to be down there more. i could have gone there to live and work for the summer, but for some reason i stayed here. dumb? i can't really tell. it's just relaxing and so easy going down there and lets me just forget about everything up here in CT. i only hate going down there because i end up driving for 2 days and having one whole day down there and end up in a bad mood because i know i have to go right to work several hours after i get home. i'll hopefully go down more this summer...really.
-summer: i'm going to a bunch of great concerts over the next few weeks. i saw my first dave matthew's concert at fenway park with skippy. it was good times. i'm going to another one with skippy at the meadows. it should be great and plus everyone goes so i'm bound to see a bunch of people i know. jack's mannequin and oar are playing in august, and i'm seeing them. super excited. seeing ringo starr tonight with my mama. yay. the def leppard and journey show was good. the lead singer in journey butchered some of the songs, but def leppard made it all better when they played their best show i've seen from them. i'm going to see the deftones and korn the friday of the week i start school with joey in jersey. not gonna lie, it's not gonna be my favorite show, but he's wanted me to go. and it's his favorite band. and his birthday right around that time so happy birthday to him. other that concerts...generally hanging out with friends and family. this summer isn't too exciting. nothing great has happened...not gonna say that bad things haven't happened. to sum it up...my graduation party was a family disaster...i got stuck in the middle for no reason. there's still a bit of tension. there's been so much stupid crap going on at work that i just makes me want to leave that place. joe is moving back to new jersey. it bothers me...but i know it's best for him...hell, i told him to go back. he and i are in the same boat, there's nothing here for us anymore [individually]. othere than that stuff...i assume i have been sleeping.

i guess that's where i'm at. i'm ready to go. i'm ready for something new. i'm tired of my life being boring and almost the same thing every day. i'm done with everything here. to some people that may sound harsh, but it's the truth. i've been done for a while now. people from sound...i wish...but i doubt i'll see again...even people like neil which is weird. everyone is going away this summer...i can't even get a vacation for 3 whole days. i wish i could quit my job. go to delaware. and live and know i'll be happy. but i'm not taking that risk and possibly end up being more lonely there than i am here.
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[14 Jun 2006|06:22am]
since graduation doesn't count as a school day really...


i am off to my last day of school as a senior.
as a high schooler.

this is it.

i'll be back later to update. cause my head and my tummy are going everyone because of all thats happening.

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[03 Jun 2006|04:26pm]
so tonight, i'm going to hand's senior prom.

and i couldn't be any more happy or excited.

this is the perfect way to end high school.
and the way i wanted it all to work out.




yesssssssssssssss.
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[21 May 2006|10:32pm]
prom was good. i was happy i went with eric.
it didn't feel like prom.
and i can't really explain why either.

i didn't get alot of good pictures at prom...but whatever.

my last softball game is tomorrow.

it's all ending.

ps. i don't want to go to school tomorrow. i wish i could just sleep.
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[17 May 2006|10:19pm]
i'm recertified for cpr. if i wasnt, i would not have a job this summer.
big softball game tomorrow. against hillhouse. woooooooord.
gotta go tanning tomorrow.
prom is friday. i'm going to school for about five minutes. going to set up at bill miller's. getting my nails done. getting my hair and make up done. coming home. taking pictures. then going to prom.

this came fast.
softball is over basically.
prom is basically here.

wow.
lets do it.
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[10 May 2006|07:18pm]
um...
i don't feel like doing homework. but i want to do well this last marking period. i really do care even though i'm constantly saying i don't about school anymore.
next week is crazy. actually this whole next week and a half is crazy.
softball games tomorrow and friday.
skippy comes home friday. freakin' sweet. soooooooo excited to see her.
freakin' family crap all day saturday. my stupid cousin is making her confirmation. i don't like her and the whole family is dreading going to the party. family tension. like whoa.
my grandfather's birthday is also on saturday.
mother's day is on sunday. so mama time with everyone.
next week is my last week of softball EVER. it's sad. i love softball and the girls. even though the team has changed alot from last year to this year and even during this season, its been good for me. i'll definitely miss getting out of school early.
i have the AP english exam next thursday. shoot me now please.
that day i was supposed to help decorate for prom. that's not happening.
next friday is prom.
and then, i guess i'm in the home stretch.

after that i have to look forward to:
-going to delaware for memorial day weekend.
-starting work at the beach and making money.
-only having to take 2 finals...maybe one if i can work something out with one of my teachers.
-senior trips.
-graduation.
-SUMMER.

yup. gooooooooooooooood stuff kid.
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[08 May 2006|07:44pm]
eric peterson is the greatest person on the face of this earth.

i love you.
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[01 May 2006|09:36pm]
honestly, going back to school is something i do not want to do.
i want this year to be over. it needs to be summer. i need to be back here in madison.
i need joey to be off house arrest.
i want softball to be over. this season sucks.
i want to turn back time and do so many things differently.

i never wanted to regret anything i did. and i feel like i am.
have i made wrong choices?
could i have changed things?
did things have to turn out the way they have? and why?


man oh man.
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[28 Apr 2006|12:31am]
[ mood | depressed ]

i don't even know where to begin.

it finally registered my head that he really is gone. and it tears me apart. it didn't really sink in last night, i guess mostly i was in shock. i think everyone was. i cried last night alot. i thought maybe i'd be okay today. i drove to school. cried my eyes out on the way in. every song that was on the radio just got to me. i don't know why. i got to school. a teacher asked me if i was okay. and me being a big baby broke down crying saying no. i didn't go to my first period class. i dont know...i just felt so alone at school and it was the last place i wanted to be today. i felt like i needed to be back in madison. that's where my heart told me i had to go. i left during second period...still crying. i just came home and tried to rest. my eyes felt, and still do, so heavy like i couldnt even keep them open. i still went to my softball game, where we got mercied by shelton. coach was pissed. and didn't cut me alot of slack. but that's fine i guess. truthfully, i was debating on going, but i made a commitment to the team so i went. joey met me there, and he had busted his hand. he told me later that his hand is broken in one of hte most difficult parts to heal/fix. so he might have to have surgery. sweet. whatever though.



i have never seen kids come together like we all did tonight. i hate the circumstance. with a passion. i wish it didn't have to be this way. no one should have to be worrying about going to a candle light vigil for their 17 year old friend. we're too young. i cant stress that enough. i wish this was a joke. it's weird for me knowing that i didn't cry when my grandparents died. then this happens, and i can't stop crying. i've been crying for hours, and so have a lot of people. everyone loved him. no one will ever for get him. i won't. 

callin. we all miss you. you didn't have to do this. but at least you're safe and happy now in heaven. rest in peace.
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i hate this kind of stuff. [26 Apr 2006|11:56pm]
[ mood | sad ]

rest in peace callin.
i'll miss you.
and so will everyone else.

and you will never ever be forgotten.

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